Learning to tell my truths

There are times when I think back on the things that I’ve done, and seen, and said, and think…..Damn, you were such a dumb girl. This weekend I practiced setting boundaries. I practiced speaking my truth to the people who needed to hear it. The more practice I get at this, the more it makes me wonder why I didn’t start doing it earlier. It would have saved me a lot of pain and heartache, because believe it or not, it’s not all that hard.
First, I started by setting boundaries with an ex-boyfriend who I allowed (many, many moons ago) to believe that I would settle for second best. You see, back in the days of lower self-esteem and, dare I say, lack of a conscience (not that I really lacked one, I was just really great at ignoring it), I let him think that it was okay if he cheated on his girlfriend with me. I allowed him to think that I was content with getting leftovers; that I was willing to be put on the back burner. Well, not anymore, babe. You tell me that I’m being rude, but I’m just telling you the God honest truth and you don’t like what you’re hearing. It was a really great feeling. It was very empowering. If MOMD (man of my dreams) taught me anything at all, it was that I should not be content to be anyone’s consolation prize. I’m too good for that and frankly, I deserve better. I deserve to be a primary concern and if a man can’t give me that, then he hasn’t brought anything to the table, and I don’t need him.
Second, I laid down my truth to a friend. No more of this passive/aggressive bullshit that I’ve been coasting by on my entire life. A good friend did something that I regarded as a generally shitty thing to do, and instead of bitching about it to everyone but him, I told him, face to face. Doesn’t sound all that hard, right? Well, we humans are creatures of habit and when you’ve spent the major part of your life concerned about doing things in a way that will spare other’s feelings and trying to pad the truth, it’s a little trying to let go of the old ways. Old habits are hard to break and for people like me, feelings are hard to hurt.
I spent a large portion of my life up until now, trying to make things as comfortable as possible for everyone but myself. I think that’s why my ex-husband happened. I’ve always been just a little more concerned with everyone else’s feelings than I have my own. I’ve always felt the need to make everyone else comfortable even if it was at the expense of my own comfort. Why? I’m not sure. I’ve just always had this need to please. After all, we Libras are the peacekeepers of the zodiac. We do not do well with conflict or disorder. Therefore, we spend time trying to avoid it. AT ALL COSTS. A particular line from a Trisha Yearwood song keeps ringing in my head. “I no longer justify reasons for the way that I behave and offer no apologies for the things that I believe and say.” Yeah. Something like that. I think I’m getting there…slowly but surely.