Patience....

Patience (Pa"tience) (?), n.
[F. patience, fr. L. patientia. See Patient.]
1. The state or quality of being patient; the power of suffering with fortitude; uncomplaining endurance of evils or wrongs, as toil, pain, poverty, insult, oppression, calamity, etc. "Strenthened with all might, . . . unto all patience and long-suffering." Col. i. 11. "I must have patience to endure the load." Shak. "Who hath learned lowliness From his Lord's cradle, patience from his cross." Keble.2. The act or power of calmly or contentedly waiting for something due or hoped for; forbearance. "Have patience with me, and I will pay thee all." Matt. xviii. 29.3. Constancy in labor or application; perseverance. "He learned with patience, and with meekness taught." Harte.4. Sufferance; permission. [Obs.] Hooker. "They stay upon your patience."

The act or power of calmly or contentedly waiting for something due or hoped for. I guess that’s where I’m at right now. Yes, MOMD is home. He's back from the land of Bush and (much) older women. In fact, he’s been home for a week. I’m assuming that she broke up with him because he didn’t seem too happy about being back. No, that’s an understatement. His precise words were “I don’t want to be here.” Hmmm. I just don’t get it; or maybe I do.
He’s hurting. I know he is because he really did care about her, I think, and he’s not ready to talk to me about it. Someday I hope he is, but for now he’s not, so what choice do I have, really? (Did you hear that…I’m shocking myself with the maturity of it all) Don’t get me wrong. I’m not the most patient person. Actually, I’m probably somewhere in the top fifty least patient people on earth, but I’m willing to let it lie for a while. I’m willing to dig in, hunker down, and wait it out. I’ve already waited this long….what’s another couple weeks or months gonna hurt. It’s not like I’m doing anything, or anyone for that matter, else.
On that note, hurt can be a funny thing to try and wait out. You never know how to go about fixing it or when it’ll stop. There are little flare-ups that grab you by the short hairs and shake the shit out of you when you least expect it and at the worst possible times (also not so unlike my ex-husband). I had feelings from the divorce running wild for a long time…..sometimes they’re still there, so I know that this isn’t going to be easy or predictable, but I think I can do it. I really do care about him, even if sometimes I try to come across as this tough girl who doesn’t give a shit. That’s just what you do when you genuinely care about someone. You stick it out through the ups and downs and you don’t turn and walk away when things get….well, sticky.
I had one of our mutual friends ask me last night if I loved him and I said “I think so” and then he asked if I thought MOMD, at any point, loved me, and I said “yes”. His response….”then don’t give up on him just yet.” Yeah, I think he may be on to something. So, here I am. Going to work, going to school, begrudgingly washing the perilously balance leaning tower of dishes, yadda yadda yadda, and that’s what I’ll keep doing. Like I said, I haven’t met anybody who is even remotely interesting, so there’s no worry. I’m just going to be hanging out until he decides that we can talk and then see what happens. Kinda my only option, but a good one I think. So, with that, I embark on another chapter in my exercise in patience study. Wish me luck….if history dictates the future, I’m going to need it.