"Don't Care List"

Sometimes you have to move things and people, for that matter, who have been a big part of your life to the “don’t care” category because of one reason or another. Sometimes because you just stop caring, and sometimes because it just hurts too damn much and takes too much energy to keep trying. I guess in a way, it’s kinda like giving up…waving the white flag….agreeing to disagree, and in one recent case in my life, it was really the only thing left to do. And let me tell you…the realization that I had to do this ended a long run of disillusionment and….well, hope….for lack of a better word. I spent nearly a year holding on to the memory of how things used to be rather than looking at how things were now. All it really took in the end was a good hard look at that (how things are now), to realize that we were so far from where we started from that I couldn’t see the beginning clearly anymore. It became hard to remember the person I fell in love with because the person that was standing in front of me now was definitely not him and I tried for the last few months to be okay with that. Telling myself that people change and life runs its course and that’s just the way it goes, but when you get right down to it, it’s not okay. It’s not okay that I’m allowing myself to hurt over someone who doesn’t care about me….again. That I’m trying to hold onto someone who never had any intention of holding on to me. Hence…he has won a position on the “Don’t Care” list. Right there next to my ex-husband. Not because I never cared….not even because I don’t care now, but because I’m tired of trying and giving and sticking my neck out there for nothing, and when you put someone on the “Don’t Care” list, you take away their power to hurt you. So, that’s it. It seems so anti-climactic after all this time. Almost a waste, really, because it could have been beautiful, but that’s life I guess. Se la vi. You just have to keep trying. In this case, that just means letting go of the hopes from the past and trying with something new with someone else. There’s a world of possibilities out there and I’ve passed up enough of them already.