A great "Hypothetical answer to a dumb "hypothetical question........

I really started thinking about some things in my life last night. Specifically, guy things. Not because I wanted to, because frankly, I was prefectly happy going to the bar with friends, getting drunk, and having a good time without having to examine things too closely, but that all changed because a certain someone decided to propose a "hypothetical" question. Why do people do that anyway? It's like a disclaimer:
*******I want to ask you this because I want an honest answer on what would happen, but I don't want to commit to what I'm saying because whether or not I want it kinda depends on what you're gonna say.*******

Anyway, I've had all day to let it digest and I think that I have a sort of "Hypothetical" answer.....that is, if "hypothetically", the question was ever posed. It's a load of crap if you ask me. A load of crap that had me trying to picture what I would do if myself and that someone who, despite my best efforts not to, I care about very much, were to try our relationship again. And to be honest, it was hard to imagine. I don't know if it's because I've steeled myself to the possibility that what we had can never be recaptured, or partially because I'm at such a comfotable place in my life right now that the idea of upheaving my life to go somewhere for someone (which is ultimately what would have to be done) scares the hell out of me.
Back when things were good, we would talk about our future and how things would work and I never doubted him or that they would work out how we'd planned, but what if "hypothetically", I packed up, moved across the country, away from my friends, my family, my job, and everything that I know......and find out that he doesn't love me as much as I thought he did? That we really can't make things work like we wanted to? Then what? Is that just another one of those HUGE mistakes that I've been known to make.....because I don't want him to be a mistake...
Damn men and their damn drunk questions. If he'd just stop thinking so much, we wouldn't have this problem. If I'd just stop listening to the stupid things he says when he's drunk I'd be better off.....but then he goes and says things that make it impossible for me to hate him.....and that makes me want to hate him even more. If only for my own good.
I hate that he makes me think about these things, but he's always had a knack for that. It's because of him that I am where I am today. It's because of him that I FINALLY went back to school and it's because of him that I'm trying so hard to get my life back on track from the train wreck it was when he met me. I'll be the first to admit that I was falling apart, but he inspired me to want to be a better person....and when you get right down to it....that is why I love him. Bottom Line. And that is why it's so hard to imagine him not being a part of my life......because he changed me too. But I've been trying to get myself used to the idea for such a long time, that this "hypothetical" question that slopped past his unfiltered, drunk lips has really thrown off the balance that I try so hard to maintain. Is that normal? For someone to have such a huge effect on you? Or is that how you know that you're supposed to be able to answer that question...without thinking about it? I wish I had all the answers. All the definite "non-hypothetical" ones, but I guess you have to have real questions to have real answers. You have to look something dead in the eye and decide what role it will play in your life, and we're not there yet.

"Don't Care List"

Sometimes you have to move things and people, for that matter, who have been a big part of your life to the “don’t care” category because of one reason or another. Sometimes because you just stop caring, and sometimes because it just hurts too damn much and takes too much energy to keep trying. I guess in a way, it’s kinda like giving up…waving the white flag….agreeing to disagree, and in one recent case in my life, it was really the only thing left to do. And let me tell you…the realization that I had to do this ended a long run of disillusionment and….well, hope….for lack of a better word. I spent nearly a year holding on to the memory of how things used to be rather than looking at how things were now. All it really took in the end was a good hard look at that (how things are now), to realize that we were so far from where we started from that I couldn’t see the beginning clearly anymore. It became hard to remember the person I fell in love with because the person that was standing in front of me now was definitely not him and I tried for the last few months to be okay with that. Telling myself that people change and life runs its course and that’s just the way it goes, but when you get right down to it, it’s not okay. It’s not okay that I’m allowing myself to hurt over someone who doesn’t care about me….again. That I’m trying to hold onto someone who never had any intention of holding on to me. Hence…he has won a position on the “Don’t Care” list. Right there next to my ex-husband. Not because I never cared….not even because I don’t care now, but because I’m tired of trying and giving and sticking my neck out there for nothing, and when you put someone on the “Don’t Care” list, you take away their power to hurt you. So, that’s it. It seems so anti-climactic after all this time. Almost a waste, really, because it could have been beautiful, but that’s life I guess. Se la vi. You just have to keep trying. In this case, that just means letting go of the hopes from the past and trying with something new with someone else. There’s a world of possibilities out there and I’ve passed up enough of them already.

A letter for You....you know who you are.....

Dear you,


I was reading in my journal tonight and I came across and entry fron Septmeber of 04 and it says " I want to be sad alone without him trying to understand and fix it because he can't. There's nothing he can do to make it; me better." I wish that someday you could understand. It makes me wonder if you hate me the wayI hate Jody. Not so much becuase of who he is, but becuase of how badly he hurt me. Ya know?
There's just so much that I wish I could say to you. Not when you're drunk and not to your voicemail.....to you....and to know that you're listening. There is such a thing as soul mates and you should know it. I also think that you're trying too hard to find "the one". You'll know her when she finds you. It's not really something you can rush.....ya know....no matter how bad you want it to happen. One more thing while I'm at it - bitter isn't a good color on you. There are plenty of people out there who have had worse relationships than anything you've ever experienced, but they don't turn into jaded cynists. You told me that the guy I used to know was still there, but he was just taking a break....well frankly, that guy is a lot sexier than who you've become.
I guess when you get down to it, i can tell you i'm sorry until i'm blue inthe face, but I know you're not going to let it go, and I can't spend the rest of my life apologizing for something that I had to do to get me straight. You are one of the most amazing people i know and you always will be, but I've tried everything i can think of and i don't know what else to do but stop trying. I know that i will never have that connection with anyone else and i don't want to lose that. That's what i miss the most. That's why i keep trying. i wish you didn't give up as easily. Oh yeah, if it's any consolation, my New Year sucked too.....not as bad as last year though. Stay safe and sweet dreams.

Luv,
Mis