Day One of Being a Non-Smoker

I want to make it VERY clear that I have not had a cigarette in almost four hours. This is self-induced. I think….no, I know, that I am done smoking. ……………………………………………Sorry…I wanted to give you a little bit of time to pick yourself up off the floor. I know it’s a shock. It kinda shocked me too. I’ve been thinking about quitting for, oh, I don’t know…the last four or five years and I just haven’t been able to do it. Call it being a wuss, call it lack of will power, call it whatever you want (my brother will tell you that he calls it a glimpse of hell and thanks God when I finally light one up again), but it didn’t work out very well. This time, it’s going to be different. I guess now, I’ll get into the messy task of telling you what happened.
So, last night, I went to the bar (the one where MOMD works for those of you who don’t pay attention or haven’t honed your telepathy skills) and they were playing poker. Well, duh! What’s a girl to do, so I sat down and played with MOMD’s roommate/boss. Amazing the things you find out over poker chips. Evidently, he left her, or at least that’s the way I heard it. Huh? That really throws a kink in my theory, but oh well, I’ve never been particularly great with theories anyway. So he comes in and I give him the perfect chance to tell me to go to hell and leave him alone forever. I walked up to him and said “Will you just tell me to go to hell and leave you alone already?” and do you know what his response was…… “Why would I want to do that?”........ Are you freakin kidding me? I almost had to pick my jaw up off the floor. What is he talking about? Because you don’t answer phone calls or return text messages or even feel the need to be civil, that’s why moron. I don’t get it. So, when I woke up this morning and didn’t have any cigarettes, I decided that if I can quit while I’m dealing with all of his stupid shit, then I can quit for good. See? Good idea, huh? I thought so too.
So, I’m coming up on four hours without a smoke and I don’t feel that bad, probably because I’ve been eating sunflower seeds and chomping gum for the last three hours, but whatever works. I’m an orally fixated girl. I gotta do what I gotta do. I’m just looking forward to my house and clothes not smelling like a bar, my mouth not tasting like I just licked an astray, and all the money I’m gonna save. So excited. On top of that, I think that MOMD would fall over if he knew I quit smoking. I tried while we were together and it was not a pleasant experience for anyone involved. The look of disbelief on his face will be priceless. So, on that note…..I’m off to have a Marlboro-free day. *Hugs*

Patience....

Patience (Pa"tience) (?), n.
[F. patience, fr. L. patientia. See Patient.]
1. The state or quality of being patient; the power of suffering with fortitude; uncomplaining endurance of evils or wrongs, as toil, pain, poverty, insult, oppression, calamity, etc. "Strenthened with all might, . . . unto all patience and long-suffering." Col. i. 11. "I must have patience to endure the load." Shak. "Who hath learned lowliness From his Lord's cradle, patience from his cross." Keble.2. The act or power of calmly or contentedly waiting for something due or hoped for; forbearance. "Have patience with me, and I will pay thee all." Matt. xviii. 29.3. Constancy in labor or application; perseverance. "He learned with patience, and with meekness taught." Harte.4. Sufferance; permission. [Obs.] Hooker. "They stay upon your patience."

The act or power of calmly or contentedly waiting for something due or hoped for. I guess that’s where I’m at right now. Yes, MOMD is home. He's back from the land of Bush and (much) older women. In fact, he’s been home for a week. I’m assuming that she broke up with him because he didn’t seem too happy about being back. No, that’s an understatement. His precise words were “I don’t want to be here.” Hmmm. I just don’t get it; or maybe I do.
He’s hurting. I know he is because he really did care about her, I think, and he’s not ready to talk to me about it. Someday I hope he is, but for now he’s not, so what choice do I have, really? (Did you hear that…I’m shocking myself with the maturity of it all) Don’t get me wrong. I’m not the most patient person. Actually, I’m probably somewhere in the top fifty least patient people on earth, but I’m willing to let it lie for a while. I’m willing to dig in, hunker down, and wait it out. I’ve already waited this long….what’s another couple weeks or months gonna hurt. It’s not like I’m doing anything, or anyone for that matter, else.
On that note, hurt can be a funny thing to try and wait out. You never know how to go about fixing it or when it’ll stop. There are little flare-ups that grab you by the short hairs and shake the shit out of you when you least expect it and at the worst possible times (also not so unlike my ex-husband). I had feelings from the divorce running wild for a long time…..sometimes they’re still there, so I know that this isn’t going to be easy or predictable, but I think I can do it. I really do care about him, even if sometimes I try to come across as this tough girl who doesn’t give a shit. That’s just what you do when you genuinely care about someone. You stick it out through the ups and downs and you don’t turn and walk away when things get….well, sticky.
I had one of our mutual friends ask me last night if I loved him and I said “I think so” and then he asked if I thought MOMD, at any point, loved me, and I said “yes”. His response….”then don’t give up on him just yet.” Yeah, I think he may be on to something. So, here I am. Going to work, going to school, begrudgingly washing the perilously balance leaning tower of dishes, yadda yadda yadda, and that’s what I’ll keep doing. Like I said, I haven’t met anybody who is even remotely interesting, so there’s no worry. I’m just going to be hanging out until he decides that we can talk and then see what happens. Kinda my only option, but a good one I think. So, with that, I embark on another chapter in my exercise in patience study. Wish me luck….if history dictates the future, I’m going to need it.

Not bad, but chewy.....

I swear that I will never understand boys. I say boys because “men” per say are easier to understand. They are very direct about what they want and they don’t play all these stupid games that you get when you deal with someone with the emotional mentality of an eleven year old. Now, with that said, I’ll fill ya in on what’s been going on. Saturday at 12:08 AM, I got a text message from MOMD, saying “I may be coming back soon.” That’s it…no explanations, no reasons why, no nothing. After a couple of text messages and voice mails over the next few days with no response, I’m chalking it up to a fight on a drunk night, but I still don’t understand what it was all about. First of all, we haven’t talked for over two months. He left and didn’t even bother to tell me that he was going, so why on earth, would he tell me he may be coming back. He knew the shitstorm it would start, and under normal circumstances, he wouldn’t want to deal with it, so why text?
Now, believe me, I have analyzed the situation every which way from Sunday, and the reasoning that he was drunk and pissed at her is the only thing that even remotely makes any sense. This being because; A. if he weren’t coming back, he wouldn’t want to get me all worked up, so he wouldn’t write it; B. if he were coming back, he would answer his phone, or return a girl’s calls; and then there’s C. he is a dumbass and doesn’t make any sense, so analyzing the situation won’t help. I just don’t get it. The “fight” that I’m assuming took place had to be pretty bad for him to tell me he was coming home because I can pretty much assure you that I am the last person he wants to tell he’s coming home. Pretty much because then he’ll have to admit that he was wrong and he would have saved so much money if we would have just gotten back together and stayed here. He hates to be wrong just as much (if not more) as I do.
I guess all I can do now is what I’ve been doing for the last month or so; getting on with getting over us. It’s not that hard when I put my mind to it. I just immersed myself in homework (which there is no shortage of, believe you me) and started doing some new things. I’m playing co-ed sand volleyball on Tuesday nights now which I absolutely LOVE! It is so much fun. We finally won our first game this Tuesday. GO SHAG-NASTIES!!!! It’s a rag-tag team, and we're not that great, but we drink an lot of beer and have a lot of fun, so who cares. That's all that matters, right? It even counts as exercise. YAY! Like I was saying. The first couple days with no response were pretty hard on me because the idea of him coming home and things going back to the way they were was great, but then he didn’t respond t anything, so it sucked. I was confused and frustrated (for those of you paying attention, yes, I’m using his infamous line here) and just generally pissed off because I hadn’t thought about him in quite a while and then, not so much unlike my ex-husband, he pops back into my life when I least expect it and screws everything I’ve been working towards up. Damn men.
On another, yet related note. Tasha (hopefully my future sister-in-law if I can come up with enough bride money) and I went out to dinner at Tiramisu last night and it was awesome. We have come to the conclusion that we do not need men as long as there is good food in the world. Although, there is something to be said for men who buy you good food, and men who can cook (and do dishes because we all know I hate doing dishes). And now feels like a good time to insert my friend Jean’s best words of wisdom
~ Men are like food; it’s a love hate relationship, but you’ve still gotta eat.
Anyway, back to the restaurant. I’m determined to broaden Tasha’s horizons. She’s from a town of like 300 people and she doesn’t eat anything. Here’s a short list of some of the things that se doesn’t eat:
-Steak (???? Still baffles me…she eats hamburger…doesn’t make any sense)
-Salad…..because it’s crunchy
-Anything green….unless it’s artificially colored of course, so that rules out most of your healthy vegetables.
So, what do I do? I take her to an Italian restaurant and make her eat fried calamari. For those of you who aren’t familiar….it’s squid. She totally guessed (wrongly) all the way there what it was and when I finally told her, it was at the table. I had to. She could’ve guessed by then anyway…she was looking at it. Anyway….it was priceless. I’ve never seen anything funnier than the faces she made when she ate it. She was worried it was going to grab her tongue…. Yeah, I know, you're rolling your eyes, but you just have to know her. It’s really cute. So, her comments on it…”It’s chewy. Not bad, but chewy.” So, I felt victorious. I got the world pickiest eater to eat squid. I am woman…hear me roar, or some such shit like that. Anyway, enough rambling. I have got to get back to work, but I promise I’ll update more from now on. Pinky swear. Peace.

Update

Well, he finally did it. Exactly what I knew he was going to do all along. MOMD moved to Texas to live with the Texas chic AND he’s scrapped the whole NAVY thing (which I think is a crock of shit because he’s had that dream since he was six…that or a MLB player) I knew it was coming and surprisingly, I took it better than I expected myself to. I found out last Thursday while I was waiting to enjoy some potato skins at Applebee’s. One of the guys that he worked with at the bar is also a cook there and he came out to chat for a bit and that’s how I found out about it. I was mildly disappointed that he didn’t call me to tell me himself, but like I’ve said before, I only thought he was the man of my dreams. Such sub-par, inconsiderate behavior proves that he wasn’t. So, phew….I feel better about that one.
Shavon is coming home this weekend, so of course, I’m thrilled and can’t wait until Friday. Finally, I’ll have my partner in crime back for a weekend. I’ve been waiting for this for almost four months.
School….that’s another story. I’ll admit, I’ve been slacking, but it’s okay because I have another month before I have to be finished with my classes and that should be no problem as long as I can keep myself motivated for the next four weeks. I got my laptop back, so that should help. I don’t have to write everything…I can just type my notes instead of writing until my hand falls off. AND, although I have been slacking a bit, I’m still getting A’s in both classes.
Hhhmmm…..What else to talk about? There’s a really hot guy that works at my tanning place so I’ve had decent eye-candy for the last few weeks and I’ve been going out more…ya know, being social. It’s actually starting to be fun again. I’m so relieved. I thought I was getting to old to appreciate the bar scene. It’s just depressing because anymore when I go out, it seems like the only people who are out are my little brother’s age. It makes me feel like the old lady.
OH! And now for the really fun news. The ex-husband got thrown in jail last Friday. Carrie (his youngest son’s mom) took him back to court because he hasn’t paid child support in a REALLY long time, and low and behold, wouldn’t ya know it, he didn’t go. So no show = warrant = time in jail (where he belongs). He ended up bonding out, but it cost him $500 cold hard American cash (that we all know he doesn’t have) and he has to be back in court this Thursday to see if he has to sit in jail longer, so……to be continued.
Well, I guess that’s it for now. I just wanted to post a little update before I start posting again on a regular basis. So you don’t come into the stories in the middle. Yes, thank me. Peace.