A Little Insight, A Little Letter, A Little Goodbye...........

I have come to the conclusion that because I cannot possible analyze why or how or what it is that you are feeling and you obviously are not going to cooperate and just tell me, that it’s time that I take a good hard look at what it was that we had. It’s time to decide, once and for all, the motives behind this crazy dance that we’re doing. As I sit here thinking about you, I try to decide why I’m holding on. Is it because that’s what I’ve always done? Because I’ve always clung to the last threads of love until they are so worn and ragged that they finally snap and there is no repairing them. Is it because I was used to truly believed that I could only be happy when I was one half of a partnership….one half being made whole by someone else. Or, finally, is it because I was in love with you......deep, uncontrollable, passionate, love.
You see, I’m the first to admit that I was never good at goodbyes. I am one of those people who seem to be in love with love and will love anyone, regardless of their caliber, just to be in that intoxicating state of mind. It’s like a drug. Or, maybe, a cover-up. Maybe it’s my way of trying to make people believe that I’m strong. Example, why yes, I have one of those. See, I stayed with the ex way too long; longer than was healthy really and mostly for the sake of hanging on. If I hung on, I could say “See, I toughed it out. What a trooper I am. I am so strong for staying there and doing the things I had to do to try to make it work.” It is only now, more than a year later, that I can honestly say that that was a bunch of bologna. I was too scared to leave. I was too afraid that I couldn’t make it on my own; which in the scope of things is ridiculous because I have proven time and time again that I can and do tend to thrive when I’m on my own. It’s only when I get mixed up in the issues of the heart that things start to go downhill. Now, I’m not saying that I stayed too long with you, because I was the one who left. I was the one who was MIA the last few weeks of our relationship. I was the one who became emotionally detached and callously unaware of anyone’s feelings other than my own. For the first time ever, mind you
Anyway, I digress. What I’m trying to figure out is why New Year’s Eve changed everything. Why, when I had lost all inkling of feeling toward you, were they brought back by seeing you in the clutches of a frizzy-haired, southern-accented, chic from Texas. Was it territorial? Maybe. Was it like someone coming along and stealing my favorite toy? Kind of. I have to admit that that night, when you kept saying all you have to do is say the word, I didn’t because I didn’t want to. Even that night, I didn’t feel anything but angry because you had the nerve to get over me. You were supposed to love me…..more than anything, no matter what…at least that’s what you had said, and now you were trotting around with someone else on your arm. I was irate to say the least. That’s when it happened. I started to think about what I had left behind. I started to think about what it was that I was losing.
I remembered all the great…no, amazing times that we had had and I thought I had made a mistake. I thought that I really had found love in your eyes. For the first time in my life, I had found someone who loved me for me. I loved the version of myself that I saw reflected in your eyes. You were someone who did all the things I had always thought I’d wanted. You told me I was beautiful, even first thing in the morning, and I knew that you meant it. You gave me back rubs and calf rubs and foot rubs after long nights at the restaurant. You even let me pick what we watched on tv. Except for college football on Saturday, but even then, I could manage to get the remote away from you and flip to HGTV. Basically, I ran the relationship…..but it wasn’t a dictatorship….until the end. It was give and take, but I always knew that I was in control.
That’s what makes me wonder. That’s what puts that seed of doubt in my mind. That’s what’s making me sit here and wonder if I was really in love with you, or if it was the idea of finding someone who was intoxicated with me, someone who loved me unconditionally; just like I had with so many others so many times in the past. And then, when I got the impression that I was losing that, I desperately had to get it back. Not so much you, but it. Like I’ve said so many times before, you were the one who lifted me up when my world was falling apart. You were the one who taught me what love is supposed to be at a time when I wasn’t even sure that it existed. You were the one who gave me hope, and for that, I do believe that I loved you, and I always will, but I need to distinguish between loving you because you showed me the way, showing me myself, and being in love with you. I think I’ve got the answer. A page and a half and there it is, right in front of me. I love you because you showed me how to love myself. You made me believe that I was worth my weight in gold and that settling is not an option.
I think that the best thing we could have done was left it at “no regrets” and turned around and walked away with nothing but the good memories. Instead, I’ve done my usual hanging on because I was confused about what it was that we had. I was confused about how I felt. I was confused about how I loved you, and I’ve gone and tainted what could have been preserved flawlessly on the pages of my memory as a beautiful experience. Hopefully, someday, we’ll be able to talk about things. Maybe we’ll even be able to look back on the experience as a whole and say that in the end, it all ended the way it should have and we are both better because of it, but until that day comes, I think I can finally say goodbye……

Workout What?

I think that I can honestly say that right this mintue, I am the healthiest I have been in oh, I don't know, at least seven years. I haven't had a cigarette in almost three weeks and at this point, don't even want them anymore, and I joined a gym. I've been working out (at 6:00 in the morning to be exact). I even learned how to operate all of the like 3 million different weight machines they have there. Someday, I will have great abs....again....like I used to.... Oh, and the back fat...that roll that puffs up over the top of every pair of low-rise jeans that I own....that's gonna be gone too. I can't wait. The idea of having a great body again is the most exciting thing I've heard since 12 packs of diet Coke were on sale at the grocery store for $1.50. This is BIG! Now I'm not saying that I'm fat; because every woman over the age of 13 says she's fat and usually it's just to get a sympathetic reaction and affirmation that she most definitely is not from anyone within earshot, but I am saying that I let myself get VERY out of shape. I allowed myself to get pudge in all the places that I used to be so proud of. I guess that's what being married to an asshole and allowing your life to stagnate for a few years will do to you. Oh well, I'm over that now and on to so much better things. And, did I mention that I got an A on my first college algebra test. Yup, I'm on a roll kids.
On another note, I ran in to someone that I hadn't seen in a while the other day, and one of the questions they asked was how was my love life. Ha! I promptly responded with "Lack there of". I only bring this up because I know that you are all so very concerned...lol. MOMD is not responding to anything, so yet again, I am wishing him a nice life. Possibly for good this time. I have so much other stuff going on that I don't have t ime to obsess over him anyway. AND, I saw one of my ex's at the bar last Wednesday during kareoke. He is one of the few that I will admit to and don't think was a bad judgement call. He is also, come to find out, married to a girl that looks like a guy. Huh. I'd have never guessed. Not only that, she's from Missouri and is friends with my little brother. Crazy stuff. I saw another ex driving down the street the other day (because mind you, the town I live in is only big enough to miss someone for so long) and it was really amusing to me. When we dated I was 19 and he was 24. Of course, I thought he was the coolest thing ever. He was grown up and had a full time job and a nicer apartment than me at the time and a motorcycle and all that jazz. Then, when I saw him driving last week, he was leaving his aunt's (where I assume he's living), driving a junker car, and looking like hell. Just blows my mind. He was one of those bad judgement calls.....in more ways than one.
Speaking of exes, I think that I should mention the ex-hubby. Youngest baby's mama ran into him the other day at my grocery store, so I've been think that it's inevitable.....I"m going to end up running into him someday. So, I thought that I should probably start thinking about what whitty crack I'm going to use when I do. Or, if I'm just going to walk by and pretend that I don't know him. Or, if I'm going to feel the unconquerable urge to walk over and smack him upside his head. What's a girl to do? It kind of scares me really, ya know. I haven't seen him since...oh, I don't know, January. It's been almost a year since I have seen the man that used to be my number one priority....above myself even, and I find it odd that I don't know how I would react if I saw him. Even worse...if I saw him and the girlfriend. I wonder sometimes if he's changed. I can honestly say that when I was in the middle of my divorce that I never would have thought that my life would have changed so much in one year. (I forgot to mention my one year anniversary was on August 4th). I feel like a completely different person for so many reasons. Here's a short list
- I went back to school
- I pay everything on time
- I don't spend everday worrying about, well, everything....from how to pay the bills to how clean my house is
- I've gotten over the passive/agressive, don't want to hurt people's feelings, thing and just say what I think
- I quit smoking
- I'm a better friend
- I know myself better

But, even after all that, I don't know what I'd do. Is that strange? I guess for the time being it doesn't really matter. It's not that I obsess about it, because to tell you the truth, I don't think about it/him that much unless someone brings it/him up, but when I do think about it, it blows my mind. That I've gone from allowing someone to control nearly every aspect of my life to being the person that I am today. It makes me proud. Proud to be me and proud to say that through it all, I've survived and come out a better person, and I doubt that he could say the same. So, with that off my chest, it's back to work. I've got a ton to do and only six more hours to do it in. TTFN. <>

Fall is Falling...I just know it

Slowly but surely fall is creeping in. I can feel it. September is one of those funky transitional months that, being the impatient person that I am, I want to hurry through to get on to the next thing. See, I’m a big fan of fall anyway (after all, my birthday falls (haha) right in the middle of it), and I can always tell when it’s getting to be about time for the leaves to fall and the air to pick up a chill. I start to see fall everywhere. I watch television and dream of the way the crisp air smells; filled with the odor of falling leaves and fireplace smoke, and the way my bulky sweaters feel against my skin, and hot chocolate that burns my tongue, and I get excited because they are all in the works only a month or so down the road and honestly, I can’t wait. I hate summer because it’s so hot in the Bread Basket that you can hardly stand it. I don’t really like winter all that much either because as I’ve said before, I get cold in 70 degree weather AND with natural gas prices going up the way they are expected to, I’m staring a $400 a month electric and gas bill in the face and flipping it off. Not fun, any way you look at it. But fall is different especially here in the Mid-West. I’d have to say that it is probably the best season of them all. Not too hot, not too cold, and the leaves are absolutely beautiful.
Not only that, it’s the onset of the holidays. One of my favorite days of the year is Thanksgiving. It’s a tradition for me. I get up at 9:00 and get something warm to drink and lounge on the couch and watch the Macy’s parade curled up under my flannel blanket every year. After the parade is over, I go to mom and dad’s where I’m on potato peeling duty for most of the morning. It’s great. Food and family and football. I’m sure you can see what I mean.
Honestly, I don’t know how people live in climates that stay the same all year round. Not that I wouldn’t mind living in sunny Florida or Cali, but I know that I would miss the way the seasons change. I would find myself going through withdrawl every four months or so and getting very frustrated with the always moderate temperatures. My body needs the changes to stay regular in a way. It knows when things should happen and when the heat gets to be too much and it’s just not fun anymore, my body calls out for fall which somehow slowly transitions in to winter. Our winters have seemed to last longer than need be the last couple years and been colder than I’d like, so I start to dream about spring early, but it’s okay, because I know that no matter how hot or cold it gets, that eventually the weather will do a 180 and I’ll have my fix…well, fixed. So bring on fall, I say. When I can toast life with a cup of hot chocolate next to a crackling, smoky smelling fireplace (which by the way is all the smoke I’m going to be smelling….I’m at 11 days smoke-free and counting). Well, I guess I’ve gotta go, but don’t worry, I’ll be back soon. Hugs

I didn't give today's entry a title because I just couldn't think of anything suiting. I have so much to say today. I was going to write this weekend, but my broadband connection at the house was acting funny all weekend and I couldn't get logged in.
First things first. I have not had a cigarette since Friday at 12:30. Not even a single puff, although I can't say that cheating hasn't crossed my mind once or three thousand times. If you're counting, that's 4 days today. This is as close as I've come to being a non-smoker since....well, I guess since I started smoking. It has been one VERY rough weekend. I still went out and let me reassure you that trying to drink beer without smoking is like trying to ....... I don't know....do something really hard.....like eat chocolate chip cookies without a glass of milk. (Unless you're lactose intolerant because then it would be easy. ) I have been an emotional wreck. Middle sibling and I got in a knock down drag out because for the thrid time in two weeks, he ate all my tostitos I bought to eat with my TGIF spinach dip. If it was only one bag, or if I had my normal level of nicotine in my system, it might have been okay, but seeing as how neither was the case, I blew like Mt. St. Helens. It was not pretty. You should probably thank your lucky stars that you weren't at my house yesterday morning. So, that's the deal on that.
On a completely different, yet no less frustrating matter, MOMD graduates from basic training next Friday, and yes, I'm a sucker, but I may be making a trip to Chicago to be there for it. LONG STORY. I was at the bar and I talked to Carrie (for those of you who don't know, she was his boss/roommate/landlord/really good friend) and she seems to think that he really does still love me but he is WAY scared and hurt and stuff. He wrote her and told her that he got my letters and that "they give him something to do", but I guess at least he's not throwing them away before he even opens them. She suggested that I write him one more time and she would write him too and let him know that this was pretty much his last chance to get his head on stright before we lose touch and that she thinks he should suck it up and just admit that he loves me. She said that I was still all he talked about right up until he left and that duh, of course he was going to be a prick, he is a guy. I wouldn't put any stock in anything she says except that she lived with him and she's in her mid 30s and has had lots of experience with decifering stupid men. I dunno. I love him. I really do, but I guess it's all up to him now. The letter went out in the mail today, so I'll keep you posted.
Other than that, life in Cleverville has been chuggin on just like normal. Work, school, homework. You know that drill. Oh, yeah, I started running again. It's cooler now and since I quit smoking, all I want to do is eat. God knows that I don't need to gain any more weight, so every time I want a smoke, I go for a run. It's a good trade off I suppose. Someday I might even be able to run the entire way instead of walking for a block after every four of running. Hey, I may have stopped smoking, but expecting more than one miracle a weekend is a pushin it a little. So, I should probably get back to work and let you guys do the same. After all, I am getting paid. I have a feeling the non-smoker thing is going to be all downhill from here, but I'll keep you updated on the MOMD thing. Hugs. TTFN

Long time no blog.....

Yup, that's right, it's me...the slacker. I know that you all probably thought that all the algebra I've been doing over the summer made my head explode, but ha ha. You were wrong. I just have had so much going on that the only chance I have to sit down at the computer is reserved for typing out my geologyhomework so my professor can read it. Not that I really know why I'm taking the class inthe first place other than the fact that the powers that be tell me that in order to contnue with my education I am supposed to take some type of science class. Two actually. Now, you tell me....what do rocks have to do with buying electronic components? Yup, stumped you too, eh? It's sad really. But anyway, when you have someone leave you posts asking you to write again, it's kinda nice. I can't let you guys down.
I have a schedule now too, and I'm getting really good at getting up before 7:00. <> I haven't even been late to work for like three weeks. I'm just too busy to be late. Customers calling, quotes to write, parts to buy, homework to try to cram in on breaks. Then, I drive back home and go to class, which means I don't get home until after nine and after my brothers have already successfully trashed my house and left. It's enough to make a girl scream. What's that? Lock the doors, you say? Well, I do, then they just climb in the windows and unfortunately, none of the windows in the living room have locks on them. I'm a sitting duck for familial invasion......or burglary, I guess. I think if I had to choose, it'd be option B. At least I have insurance to replace all my junk. Family (especially mine), you just can't get rid of. Trust me, I've tried.
On another topic...have ya'll seen the gas prices. I have, but not in the 15 minutes, so they could have changed. Last check, it was $3.20 for the cheap stuff here in America's heartland. It kinda puts a dent in my purse considering I drive 40 to and from work each day. And to think, I was excited because I bought the Explorer. Ha! Anybody out there want to buy a good looking V8...cheap....just let me know. It's a good thing I don't have any free time because I couldn't afford to do anything anyway.
MOMDs left for basic training back in June and just an update, but we're still not speaking. I decided to write him a coupke letters and got his address there from his dad, but no response. I'm convinced he's going to act like he's 6 and pout for the rest of his life, so I finally told him that I hoped he had a good life and all his dreams come true. Aren't I sweet? It's not like I have time for guys right now anyway, but it'd be nice just to have a boyto kiss every now and then. A girl gets lonely, ya know? I was talking to Brock (an pre-marriage ex who wasn't much better in the fidelity department than the ex-asshole) the other day and he wants to take me on a date. Ya right. Been there, done that, wasn't that much fun the first time around. Why would I do it again? It is fun to hear them say that they made a mistake though. The balance of power suddenly shifts and the universe makes up for the past. Ahhhh. And it feels good. I guess that's all I've got time for now. I promise to try to write more....try being the key word here. TTFN