Leaves and Fireplaces and Pipe Smoke

So last night, I'm sitting at home, piddling on the net and I chack my email. Shavon sent me a questionaire. You know, one of those one's where she fills out her answers and then sends it to everyone she knows and then they forward it with their answers to everyone they know and so on and so on until everyone in the world with internet access has eventually answered or deleted these questions. Anyway, so I filled it out...ya, I know, I'm a sucker, but they really were good questions. you had your basic.."What is your favorite color?...green, and who is your favorite celebrity...a toss up between Katherine Hepburn and Sean Connory, and what is your favorite food....oh my goodness...that one was hard...there are so many...I think I went with crab legs by defualt.
My favortie question (and coincidentally the reason I'm writing) was what is your favorite smell. Of course, Sha said it was the cologne her boyfriend wears, BUT, I just couldn't go that commercial.
I have a few favorite smells. One is of the leaves in the fall. I absolutely love the way it smells in the fall and that ties in with my next favorite smell....fireplaces. I am going to buy a house with a fireplace someday and that is why I'm so partial to woodburning fireplaces. Those sissified gas ones don't have the same smell. Yeah, they look pretty and you don't need to haul wood, but they just don't have the same smell. There's nothing like walking outside of a fall evening and getting hit in the face with the smell of leaves and someone's fireplace.
And finally, I love the smell of pipe tabacco. I know. I'm weird. I can't help it. When I was growing up, my extremely anit-smoking father always lit the fireplace then sat down to smoke a pipe. Captain Black to be precise. There's just somthing about the combination of those smells that always leaves me feeling warm and fuzzy and home.
In hinsdight, don't let me let you think that I didn't include one cologne on that list. I'm just as commercialized as the rest of you and I'm still a big fan for Gorgio Armani for men......yum!

Lucky for all of you, I have snapped out of the horribly sappy, romantic, please let me fall in love mood that I was in last night. I meant everything I said, don't get me wrong, I could probably fall in love with him, but I won't. Nope. Ain't gonna happen (if my eighth grade English teacher saw that, she'd fall over....ain't ain't a word and I ain't gonna use it...lol). Now, with that off my chest, I can move on.
Have you seen those commercials on MTV about HIV testing. "Knowing is beautiful." Well, yes it is. I went to get my first test, which was long overdue considering my ex-husband had a habit of sleeping with anything with tits and a heartbeat, last week. I stressed and worried all week and then, this morning, the nurse called and all's clear in Missydom. It was such a relief. I think that everyone should get tested. If for no other reason, piece of mind. The last week sucked, but it was all worth it this morning. But, now I gotta run....I have to work sometime....I can't devote my whole day to enteraining you guys....<<>> Hugs!

Tonight you guys get the good stuff

Okay, so, I got so much stuff done today. I got home and cleaned and then, I did yard wrok. All the stuff that I'd been neglecting for WAY too long. I cut down the mulberry tress that invaded my lilac bush and weeded around the garage and started to tame the bushes along the front walk before my pruners went down as a casualty of war. Did I mention that I cleaned...a lot....I scrubbed the toilet. That is a pretty big thing considering I live with two boys. It was icky. Anyway, that's besides the point.
I have a confession to make. I have a friend. A guy friend, who I could fall in love with if I let myself. Okay, I'm sure if you've read any of these posts at all, you know who it is, so there really is no hiding it. I was thinking about Keith and I and how his gf is turning a bit psycho (I think more because their relationship isn't all that stable than actually because of me), and I think I have a huge decision to make. I think I have to walk away from him, again. I was sitting on the patio, smoking a grit and thinking about how I felt when Jody told me about the gf...before I really knew she was the gf and I started feeling bad. Here he is, he's been datin this girl for over two years, an although their relationship isn't great, and I don't think he wants to be with her, he is. Bottom line. He has a girlfriend. I know that she really cares about him. Probably loves him, and is most likely feeling that helpless feeling you get when your relationship is falling apart in front of your face and there's nothing you can do to stop it, but I don't think she's the one........I digress again...Back to the point.
I feel bad for making her jealous. I know that Keith would do anything for me and loves hanging out with me and stands up for me to her, and in a way it makes me feel good to know that I'm in control of the situation. I know that if I wanted him to break up with her, I could probably make it happen, but I'm not that girl. I'm not going to be that girl. I know that if I wanted to, and if I'd let it happen, we would hook up. But I also know that I could fall in love with him. Therein lies the problem.
First, you have the classic problem of losing a really great friend by trying to take things further. I think, in all honesty, that's why we have never done anything. A chic can have guy friends, but the minute she lets them in her pants, the balance shifts, and all the respect is gone. On top of that, he is NEVER going to get married. He's had it pretty rough in the engagement department (read: 2 engagements-0 walks down the aisle), and I still want a happily ever after. I still dream of getting married again some day and being in love forever (that's the Libra coming out in me). I know that "if" anything happened that it would ruin our friendship because I would want more than he could give me.
He's coming over in the morning and I'm making him breakfast (I kinda owe him for all the free trash picking-up he does for me) and I'm really considering telling him what I think.
What do you think, you're probably asking.....
I think that I'm going to have to stay away for a while. I don't want to be anything remotely close to the cause of a break-up and the only way to do that is to stay away. This being because she's never going to be "okay" with us hanging out and it will inevitably cause fights and fights almost always lead to break-ups. Not me. Not his time. Not with him. After all, he is my favorite boy in the world....I don't want to do that to him. I love him too much for that.


PS....in case you haven't noticed, I'm feeling a little sappy this evening. Sorry for the mush talk, but it's been weighing on my mind a lot lately and this, being my outlet, is where I go with it.

Blockage

Man, I've really been slacking lately, but I honestly am not inspired. Yeah, sure, there are tons of things I could write about. Like how I went out last night and drank some beers with my favorite boy in the world and then proceeded to get him in trouble, or how I really did like his girlfriend, but she's slowly becoming a one of the previously mentioned psychos. I could write about my mom and dad's anniversary, but I tried that on Wednesday, and believe me, it didn't turn out like I'd hoped, so it'll be saved in my draft box until next year when I'll have to change the 31 to 32 and try again. I could talk about how I'm pretty sure that MOMD has been down-graded from man of my dreams to just that guy, but nothing is really striking my fancy lately. I think I'm in a slump. It's rough though, knowing that I have people that actually read this. It's a lot of pressure to try to come up with something good rather than just diarrhea of the mouth. I just don't know. Maybe I'll kick around some ideas and write something of substance later, but for now, I'm still blocked, so I'll let you all get back to work.....like you should be....that's why they pay you....lol. Hugs!

I wish my desktop was in my room.....or that I had could figure out how to get the internet to my laptop. That's be great. There are so many distractions in the living room. My little brother is yelling at me to get off the computer as I write. Then there's the TV, the people walking in and out of the house, and the sink full of dirty dishes that makes itslef more self-evident when you're facing that direction and see them staring you down every time you look up. It sucks. I feel like anything that comes out of my mouth is nothing more than babble right now because everytime one of these distractions pulls my attention away, my train of thought derails. Damn it. I think I'm just going to have to start bloggin when everybody's gone. Until then, nothing but word vomit. it may make sense, but it more probably lacks complete ideas, so I guess I'll put me out of my misery and just go do some homework........in my room.......where it's nice and quiet. Huggs!

Little thoughts on MOMD, Love, and Disney

Well, since he's been back, he's thrown my life into a sort of horrible downward-needy ex-girlfriend spiral. I know that it's not him, really, it's me following the pattern that I've had since I was about 15. After all, I was the one who broke up with him. I know this. I know that there was a reason that back then I just stopped feeling and I have concluded that it's not really him that I miss. It's the idea of him. I miss the connection, so to speak. The concept of being in love. To be completely honest, I think that's why I got married in the first place. Because whether we were right for each other or not, I love being in love. I am infatuated with it really and when I'm not (in love, that is) I tend to seek out the easiest prey and make believe, just so that I can think I am. Dumb, huh? I attribute it to being raised on Cinderella and Beauty and the Beast and an entire video archive of happily-ever-afters. It's not my fault, it's a conspiracy. After being fed a childhood's worth of this bologna, anybody would expect that that's how it works. They should put a disclaimer on those things. WARNING: The contents of this video are not and never will be how it works in real life. There are no happily-ever-afters so stop looking. Now, I'm not cynical and yes, no matter what I will keep looking for the so-called "one", but really, what's a girl to do?

My garbage man is my favorite guy in the world.


Okay, so you caught me, he's more than my garbage man. He's one of my best friends and he has been for oh, I don't know, about six or seven years or so. Give or take a few for the three years in between that I was with stupid (the evil ex-husband) and had to refrain from talking to him because of the accusations that would have started flying. The funny thing is that I actually met him because he was friends with my ex; was being the key word in there. Anyway, enough of that. I love him. Not I'm-gonna-marry-him-and-have-his-kids love him, but I-would-do-anything-to-help-him-out-of-a-hard-time-because-he'd-do-it-for-me love him. A let's-go-have-a-beer-and-watch-the-game-because-it's-Sunday-and-we-can love. You get the picture. BUT....(and there always is isn't there?)....we walk a really fine line.
Have you ever seen when Harry Met Sally? Well, in case you haven't let me tell you Harry's theory (because it is of course one of my all time favorite movies ever and if you haven't seen it, you should go out and rent it RIGHTTHISMINUTE!!!!!). Harry's theory is that a man and a woman cannot be friends because the guy is always thinking about having sex with the chic and it can't ever work. I myself have always personally discounted that theory because I have a multitude of guy friends who, under no circumstance including the obliteration of every other person in the world, would ever sleep with me and this is fine and dandy with me because chances are pretty good that even if the survival of the human race depended on it, I still wouldn't sleep with them, but Kieth isn't one of those guys.
Don't get me wrong, we've always been attracted to each other, and we've even kissed....no, made out I'd say, on more than one occassion (a long time ago.....so long in fact, I don't even think it even counts anymore), but, I don't know. It's so wierd even I can't describe it. I'll try. I'm searching for the words as we speak. I would say star-crossed lovers, but we're not and under no circumstances will ever be, lovers, so that's not right. I would say we are each other's "what ifs", but that's not right either.
He is a guy that treats me like one of the guys, but knows that I'm a girlie girl and doesn't give me shit about it. He's also a great ego boost when I'm down and out because he always makes sure to tell me I'm "smokin'" and continually tells me that I am the coolest chic he knows (who can blame him really...lol). We'll joke around about how someday we're gonna "hook up" but we both know that it'll never happen. I'm the one that he bitches to about his girlfriend (who I have to say for the record I love! She is SO much better than the last long-term one who was a psychotic, jealous she-devil) and he's the one that I bitch to when the boys in my life (ie. brothers, dad, MOMD, current flings) are acting like......well, boys. We have the perfect guy-girl relationship and I think that after six or seven years of flirting and dancing around the idea of hooking up, that it's way better this way. And it is.
He's never gonna get married and I'm gonna have my happily ever after someday. We have totally different philosophies on life. He's been engaged twice and I've been married once. Between us, we can drink a case of beer, and someday, he's going to get me interested in racing, but for the time being, I'm perfectly content to sit at the shop while he works on his stock car and give him shit about taking longer to get ready than I do. It's a beautiful thing we have going on, and I just wanted to say so, out loud, into cyberspace, for all to see. I appreciate him more than any other guy I know right now (that excludes my dad, but definitely includes my brothers)and am so glad that we found each other. Not just because he picks up my trash either. I guess that's one of the good things I got from the ex-asshole. A best friend. And to think, all of this gushing was brought on by a few beers, a Cubs game, and a game or two of really badly played pool. Hugs!

Financial Idiots

Today I've been thinking.....about money. Not the green kind, but the plastic that almost all of us have stowed away in our billfolds that most of us tell ourselves "is only for emergencies." Let me tell you, back when I was 22 and had six of these things in my wallet, there wasn't much that DIDN'T constitute an emergency; hunger, the dire need for that cute little mini-skirt, or a cd that I had to have in order to go on living. This, in turn, brings me to a theory that I got from my dad and thoroughly agree with. We are raising a nation of financial idiots.
When I got my first credit card application, I filled it out, sent it away, and had a really cool see-through card with a smart chip in it in my hands within two weeks. Obviously, the smart chip should have been implanted in me because I went on from there to get five more including one that I got because it had a really cute ladybug motif on it, and one to my favorite department store. Bad idea. The bank was also optimistic enough to give me a loan for a $27,000 car right about that time. I thought I was hot shit, but in the end lets just say, I went down the toilet like millions of Americans do every year.
I am not afraid to put this out there....in cyberspace.....for everyone to see. I can tell you that there were a lot of things that contributed to my financial suicide; some of which being my ex-husband and his access to my cards, the banks granting me to much credit, etc., but in the end it all comes down to one thing. ME. I was the cause of my problems. I had no idea what credit was and how to use it wisely because when I took consumer ec in high school, mostly we just learned to balance our checkbooks (which, BTW, I still wasn't great at then) and didn't even begin to touch how to maintain a credit card.
I spent and spent and spent and then, when the bill came, was relieved to see that they only wanted me to pay $20. Great! I can afford twenty bucks. No biggie, but with six payments of twenty dollars each, it got trickier. Then, after paying the minimums on time for three months, they upped my limit. Goodie, more shopping! That's how the viscious cycle continued for almost two years before I just fell apart. I couldn't sleep at night because I had a gigantic mountain of dept sitting on my chest that was to the point of almost giving me panic attacks. It was suffocating me and I just couldn't find a way out. It got pretty bad. I was sure by then that ALL my dreams were shattered....a marriage, buying a home, and just having a normal, semi-stressfree life. But, the good news is, it's getting better now in leaps and bounds. I have a new unsecured cc that I pay off each month, I got a loan for a car at a REALLY decent rate, and I'm on my way back to the mid-seven hundreds. Now, if you're wondering what that means, you're a financial idiot and need to read up about credit.
That bring me back to my point. There are so many consequences that come with bad credit, higher insurance rates, higher loan rates (if you can get them), and some professions require good credit too, that you can't screw this up, but do our schools teach kids about credit. NO! I think it's a conspiracy myself, but that's another entry. We just give them the plastic, tell them good luck, and send them on their way. Obviously that's not working. And the bad thing is, it's notjsut kids. Most adults don't know much about credit either.
-Did you know there are three different credit reporting agencies
-Did you know that they are required by law to supply you w/ a free report once a year.
-Did you know that you should check your credit report at least twice a year to help prevent identity theft.
See, I've been doing my homework, but the sad fact is that most people don't. Plastic is plastic....not real money, it doesn't hurt to swipe a card. On the other hand, handing over $50 cold, hard, cash, is a little more disturbing. I just think that we need to teach people about this stuff. You wouldn't let someone drive without making them take driver's ed, so why let them gamble with their financial future? That's all I'm saying. Hugs!

Silly me, I thought weekends were for relaxing

Good grief! I was almost (almost until I got here, that is...)glad to get back to work this morning. This weekend was so long, I didn't think it was ever going to end. The garage sale went okay. I didn't get rid of everything, but I did get rid of a lot of stuff, and I made some money. Then, I took the kids out for ice cream.... after Jordan got back from the ex-asshole's house. I had strawberry, Uncle Chris had chocolate chip cookie dough, and Jordan and Cora had oreo cookie. Yum! Other than that, I got the laundry done and the dishes done, and another chapter in psych tackled, and the baby shower and graduation parties both went well. A great time was had by all. Oh, and the broadband guy comes in T-minus forty eight hours. Can you tell I'm excited?

Leaving the old stuff behind

I was trying to decide what to write about when it hit me that first I should tell you that I am SOOO excited because after next Wednesday, I'll be blogging from home instead of work (for you this means blogs that may actually be interesting and well-thought out). Yes, I did it. I took the plunge (again) and hopefully this relationship will be more fruitful than my marriage. The broadband guy is coming to web-up my computer on Wednesday. Yay! Now, off on my tangent.
Tomorrow morning I will be up bright and early in my garage waiting on people to come snatch up the remnants of my past. That's right, I'm having a garage sale, and I'm being philisophical about it. It just seems sad in a way. A lot of the stuff I'm getting rid of is the kids'. Their old clothes they wore twice and then outgrew, the toys that have been sitting on the shelf collecting dust because they're getting too old for them, and most of all, their bunk beds, because they don't stay over as much as they used to and never sleep on the top bunk when they do anyway. It's my dreams of not-so-long-ago being bought for quarters by people who have no idea what they meant.
Depressing, huh?
I can hardly believe it either. About a year and a half ago, I thought I had it all. A little rough around the edges all, but all none-the-less. I had a marriage, and insta-kids, and a good job, and a home, and before the girlfriend (who I forgot to mention I ran into at the grocery store last week) could get her pants off, it was gone. Now, I see the kids a couple times a month for an afternoon or so, and my little brother is moving into their room and off my couch. Blah.
I don't know if I'm in one of those moods because I haven't talked to MOMD for a week or because I'm stressed over school and work or if it's just life in general that does it to me, but every once in a while I just feel like crying. I know that it's all a part of getting over things and moving on, and it's all just a bunch of stuff that I'm really not going to use anymore, but still. That's not the point. When I got married (albeit to a complete asshole), I had expectations and maybe, just maybe, it's about it not living up to them. I don't know, but hopefully I'll at least make a little extra money.
Oh yeah, and I just wanted to tell Peggy in Chicago that I feel really guilty about smoking again because of her........and my parents.
Anyway, wish me luck. It's four o'clock and time to go. Hugs.

So much for a Marlboro-less life......just yet, anyway

OK. So. I think my weekend got a little screwed up somewhere along the line. I ended up without the guy and with a new pack of cigs. Damn it! That’s not how it was supposed to work. I had to buy a pack on Saturday night (well, technically Sunday morning) after drunk dialing and leaving two crying ex-girlfriend messages on MOMD’s phone. Oops. Let me tell you about hating myself in the morning. The long short of it is he’s an ass. Ready for another theory……here ya go. My new theory is that he can’t get over the fact that I’m the only girl who ever “got to him” and then I had the audacity to break up with him before he wanted it to end, so he’s going to be mad and act like a six year old for the rest of our lives. Well fuck him! The ONLY redemption that I can say I have for that is that first thing I did when when I woke up (head splitting) Sunday afternoon, was send him a text that very clearly said… “Have a nice life…I’m done.” We seem to be getting good at short and sweet, so I thought I’d just continue the trend. I’m not even really all that sure what he said to me that night to get me all riled up…I have an idea, but not a solid enough one to print, but I was pissed, and then depressed, and then, before I could stop myself I was in my car, crying, driving home with the phone to my ear and his number on the dial. Damn, again. I hate it when I do that, but he had me so mad I couldn’t help it. Besides having a few beers, I was crying ALL the way home, so I really couldn’t drive. Probably not the best idea I’ve ever had, but like I said, I was mad and I was not, under any circumstances, staying in that bar…..around him….for another second.
Then, Last night, I almost had to kill my little brother. He is 22 and a guy (which makes him non-sensical already) and he was REALLY REALLY (just for good measure) drunk. Threatening-to-flatten-my-tires and trying-to-punch-out-the-window-in-the-living-room drunk. Really, I think that the police would have considered it justifiable homicide. He was making me crazy. And, we lost all three of our matches at volleyball. So, I finally fell asleep in a quiet brother-less house at 2 AM after his friends came and drug him out of the house so I didn’t have to call the cops and then he comes climbing in the only window in the house I forgot to lock at 5 AM making enough noise to wake the dead. Guess what I’m doing when I get home…...Zzzzzzzzz. I can’t wait. Really. I’m practically falling asleep at my desk.
So, other than those two occurrences, the weekend was pretty bland. I got a new pair of jeans and a few new belts. Ya know…just typical girl stuff, and then the rest of the time I slept. Oh, and I won two poker games, making $50 for the weekend. Overall summary……crazy, but not that unusual for being my life. I just hope next weekend goes better…I don’t thin I can take two in a row.