Or Maybe I'll Forget About it for Two Years....

Darn it!

I was sitting at my desk on a lazy Friday afternoon trying to fill out the last hour of my day by reading a blog that I used to frequent daily and it reminded me that I had one of my one that has been sorely neglected for quite some time. So much so in fact, that it's hard for me to believe that I was the person who authored those posts. So much has happened (some bad, but mostly good) since then that it seems like eons ago that I was pining over Man Of My Dreams (MOMD); who has since turned out to be a really close friend, but definitely not the one I've been dreaming of. The short list of points is as follows:

- I've quit smoking (going on 3 years now)
- I've bought my second house (investment property)
- I've landed a great job
- I finished my AA and have moved on to my BA (I've even almost finished a school year in one calendar year).
- I now own a second dog who, along with the first, also destroys countless possessions, although not as frequently because the kennel turned out to be a great purchase :0)
- I finally realized that the real Man of My Dreams (Dan) had been part of my life since I was 17 and we finally got our timing right in March of last year.
- I did get my real estate license and have been selling houses for almost 2 years.
- MOMD and I are now flipping houses too.

These last two years have been a wild ride. I can't believe how far I've come. I've learned so much...felt so much...and grown so much. I feel like I have a lot more to share now than just stories about my love life or lack thereof. I sincerely hope that I will remember that I have this space. My little spot on the web. And that I use it as an outlet and a sounding board and a reflecting pool more often. Being a person with a "bias towards action" (as my boss calls me), one of the hardest things for me to do is to slow down, put down the list, and reflect on things. So, that's what I intend to do here. Reflect. Analyze. Ponder.

It seems I've been slacking a little...

To be honest with you, I had totally forgotten about this account until I got a comment on one of blogs in my inbox this morning. As with most people, so much has happened in the last year that I cannot even begin to recall here everything that's changed, so let's just go over the major ones. First of all, I bought a house. I went back to school (but you already knew that), and I decided that I wanted to get my real estate license, so I enrolled in those classes too. I should be taking a trip to take my licensing test the end of this month. I'll be going to my first Major League Baseball game in July and I couldn't be more excited about it. I got a dog about a year ago and she has destroyed/eaten about 1/3 of my personal possessions since then. This led to my investment in a kennel, where she finds herself quite often after a meal of my black BCBG maryjanes or a couch cusion. No new relationships to report, but I guess that means no new heartaches either. The boy from all those passionsate "I love him" blogs has found himself on a boat in the middle of the ocean somewhere near Iran, but he should be home in a few months. We are still the best of friends although it's a very odd relationship. I'd try to explain it more, but it's complicated. I still love him....I always will....but not in the heart-wrenching, gut-aching, make-me-wanna-puke-every-time-he-calls kinda way. I love him because he was a part of me...and always will be. So yeah, that about covers the big stuff. Of course there were diets and resolutions to work out more and fights with friends and road trips and all the other good stuff in between, and I can promise to high heaven that I'm going to do better to update this more often, but we all know that that will last a couple months and then I'll forget for another year until someone sends another comment. But that's ok. Because I'm fickle, and forgetful, and that's just me. Take it or leave it. Ciao*

A great "Hypothetical answer to a dumb "hypothetical question........

I really started thinking about some things in my life last night. Specifically, guy things. Not because I wanted to, because frankly, I was prefectly happy going to the bar with friends, getting drunk, and having a good time without having to examine things too closely, but that all changed because a certain someone decided to propose a "hypothetical" question. Why do people do that anyway? It's like a disclaimer:
*******I want to ask you this because I want an honest answer on what would happen, but I don't want to commit to what I'm saying because whether or not I want it kinda depends on what you're gonna say.*******

Anyway, I've had all day to let it digest and I think that I have a sort of "Hypothetical" answer.....that is, if "hypothetically", the question was ever posed. It's a load of crap if you ask me. A load of crap that had me trying to picture what I would do if myself and that someone who, despite my best efforts not to, I care about very much, were to try our relationship again. And to be honest, it was hard to imagine. I don't know if it's because I've steeled myself to the possibility that what we had can never be recaptured, or partially because I'm at such a comfotable place in my life right now that the idea of upheaving my life to go somewhere for someone (which is ultimately what would have to be done) scares the hell out of me.
Back when things were good, we would talk about our future and how things would work and I never doubted him or that they would work out how we'd planned, but what if "hypothetically", I packed up, moved across the country, away from my friends, my family, my job, and everything that I know......and find out that he doesn't love me as much as I thought he did? That we really can't make things work like we wanted to? Then what? Is that just another one of those HUGE mistakes that I've been known to make.....because I don't want him to be a mistake...
Damn men and their damn drunk questions. If he'd just stop thinking so much, we wouldn't have this problem. If I'd just stop listening to the stupid things he says when he's drunk I'd be better off.....but then he goes and says things that make it impossible for me to hate him.....and that makes me want to hate him even more. If only for my own good.
I hate that he makes me think about these things, but he's always had a knack for that. It's because of him that I am where I am today. It's because of him that I FINALLY went back to school and it's because of him that I'm trying so hard to get my life back on track from the train wreck it was when he met me. I'll be the first to admit that I was falling apart, but he inspired me to want to be a better person....and when you get right down to it....that is why I love him. Bottom Line. And that is why it's so hard to imagine him not being a part of my life......because he changed me too. But I've been trying to get myself used to the idea for such a long time, that this "hypothetical" question that slopped past his unfiltered, drunk lips has really thrown off the balance that I try so hard to maintain. Is that normal? For someone to have such a huge effect on you? Or is that how you know that you're supposed to be able to answer that question...without thinking about it? I wish I had all the answers. All the definite "non-hypothetical" ones, but I guess you have to have real questions to have real answers. You have to look something dead in the eye and decide what role it will play in your life, and we're not there yet.

"Don't Care List"

Sometimes you have to move things and people, for that matter, who have been a big part of your life to the “don’t care” category because of one reason or another. Sometimes because you just stop caring, and sometimes because it just hurts too damn much and takes too much energy to keep trying. I guess in a way, it’s kinda like giving up…waving the white flag….agreeing to disagree, and in one recent case in my life, it was really the only thing left to do. And let me tell you…the realization that I had to do this ended a long run of disillusionment and….well, hope….for lack of a better word. I spent nearly a year holding on to the memory of how things used to be rather than looking at how things were now. All it really took in the end was a good hard look at that (how things are now), to realize that we were so far from where we started from that I couldn’t see the beginning clearly anymore. It became hard to remember the person I fell in love with because the person that was standing in front of me now was definitely not him and I tried for the last few months to be okay with that. Telling myself that people change and life runs its course and that’s just the way it goes, but when you get right down to it, it’s not okay. It’s not okay that I’m allowing myself to hurt over someone who doesn’t care about me….again. That I’m trying to hold onto someone who never had any intention of holding on to me. Hence…he has won a position on the “Don’t Care” list. Right there next to my ex-husband. Not because I never cared….not even because I don’t care now, but because I’m tired of trying and giving and sticking my neck out there for nothing, and when you put someone on the “Don’t Care” list, you take away their power to hurt you. So, that’s it. It seems so anti-climactic after all this time. Almost a waste, really, because it could have been beautiful, but that’s life I guess. Se la vi. You just have to keep trying. In this case, that just means letting go of the hopes from the past and trying with something new with someone else. There’s a world of possibilities out there and I’ve passed up enough of them already.

A letter for You....you know who you are.....

Dear you,


I was reading in my journal tonight and I came across and entry fron Septmeber of 04 and it says " I want to be sad alone without him trying to understand and fix it because he can't. There's nothing he can do to make it; me better." I wish that someday you could understand. It makes me wonder if you hate me the wayI hate Jody. Not so much becuase of who he is, but becuase of how badly he hurt me. Ya know?
There's just so much that I wish I could say to you. Not when you're drunk and not to your voicemail.....to you....and to know that you're listening. There is such a thing as soul mates and you should know it. I also think that you're trying too hard to find "the one". You'll know her when she finds you. It's not really something you can rush.....ya know....no matter how bad you want it to happen. One more thing while I'm at it - bitter isn't a good color on you. There are plenty of people out there who have had worse relationships than anything you've ever experienced, but they don't turn into jaded cynists. You told me that the guy I used to know was still there, but he was just taking a break....well frankly, that guy is a lot sexier than who you've become.
I guess when you get down to it, i can tell you i'm sorry until i'm blue inthe face, but I know you're not going to let it go, and I can't spend the rest of my life apologizing for something that I had to do to get me straight. You are one of the most amazing people i know and you always will be, but I've tried everything i can think of and i don't know what else to do but stop trying. I know that i will never have that connection with anyone else and i don't want to lose that. That's what i miss the most. That's why i keep trying. i wish you didn't give up as easily. Oh yeah, if it's any consolation, my New Year sucked too.....not as bad as last year though. Stay safe and sweet dreams.

Luv,
Mis

Ug

"Every once in a while, love will pick you up by the short hairs and shake the shit out of you." And that's all I'm going to say about that. I may eventually devulge what has gone on over the last week or so, but I think, if I do so right now, I'll probably vomit from the thought of it, so, maybe later. Let's just say it involves one of those famous unexpected guest appearances by MOMDs and those three little words. Ug! I'm getting queasy just thinking about it, so I'll stop, but I promise, promise, promise to write more soon...... *HUGS*

A Little Insight, A Little Letter, A Little Goodbye...........

I have come to the conclusion that because I cannot possible analyze why or how or what it is that you are feeling and you obviously are not going to cooperate and just tell me, that it’s time that I take a good hard look at what it was that we had. It’s time to decide, once and for all, the motives behind this crazy dance that we’re doing. As I sit here thinking about you, I try to decide why I’m holding on. Is it because that’s what I’ve always done? Because I’ve always clung to the last threads of love until they are so worn and ragged that they finally snap and there is no repairing them. Is it because I was used to truly believed that I could only be happy when I was one half of a partnership….one half being made whole by someone else. Or, finally, is it because I was in love with you......deep, uncontrollable, passionate, love.
You see, I’m the first to admit that I was never good at goodbyes. I am one of those people who seem to be in love with love and will love anyone, regardless of their caliber, just to be in that intoxicating state of mind. It’s like a drug. Or, maybe, a cover-up. Maybe it’s my way of trying to make people believe that I’m strong. Example, why yes, I have one of those. See, I stayed with the ex way too long; longer than was healthy really and mostly for the sake of hanging on. If I hung on, I could say “See, I toughed it out. What a trooper I am. I am so strong for staying there and doing the things I had to do to try to make it work.” It is only now, more than a year later, that I can honestly say that that was a bunch of bologna. I was too scared to leave. I was too afraid that I couldn’t make it on my own; which in the scope of things is ridiculous because I have proven time and time again that I can and do tend to thrive when I’m on my own. It’s only when I get mixed up in the issues of the heart that things start to go downhill. Now, I’m not saying that I stayed too long with you, because I was the one who left. I was the one who was MIA the last few weeks of our relationship. I was the one who became emotionally detached and callously unaware of anyone’s feelings other than my own. For the first time ever, mind you
Anyway, I digress. What I’m trying to figure out is why New Year’s Eve changed everything. Why, when I had lost all inkling of feeling toward you, were they brought back by seeing you in the clutches of a frizzy-haired, southern-accented, chic from Texas. Was it territorial? Maybe. Was it like someone coming along and stealing my favorite toy? Kind of. I have to admit that that night, when you kept saying all you have to do is say the word, I didn’t because I didn’t want to. Even that night, I didn’t feel anything but angry because you had the nerve to get over me. You were supposed to love me…..more than anything, no matter what…at least that’s what you had said, and now you were trotting around with someone else on your arm. I was irate to say the least. That’s when it happened. I started to think about what I had left behind. I started to think about what it was that I was losing.
I remembered all the great…no, amazing times that we had had and I thought I had made a mistake. I thought that I really had found love in your eyes. For the first time in my life, I had found someone who loved me for me. I loved the version of myself that I saw reflected in your eyes. You were someone who did all the things I had always thought I’d wanted. You told me I was beautiful, even first thing in the morning, and I knew that you meant it. You gave me back rubs and calf rubs and foot rubs after long nights at the restaurant. You even let me pick what we watched on tv. Except for college football on Saturday, but even then, I could manage to get the remote away from you and flip to HGTV. Basically, I ran the relationship…..but it wasn’t a dictatorship….until the end. It was give and take, but I always knew that I was in control.
That’s what makes me wonder. That’s what puts that seed of doubt in my mind. That’s what’s making me sit here and wonder if I was really in love with you, or if it was the idea of finding someone who was intoxicated with me, someone who loved me unconditionally; just like I had with so many others so many times in the past. And then, when I got the impression that I was losing that, I desperately had to get it back. Not so much you, but it. Like I’ve said so many times before, you were the one who lifted me up when my world was falling apart. You were the one who taught me what love is supposed to be at a time when I wasn’t even sure that it existed. You were the one who gave me hope, and for that, I do believe that I loved you, and I always will, but I need to distinguish between loving you because you showed me the way, showing me myself, and being in love with you. I think I’ve got the answer. A page and a half and there it is, right in front of me. I love you because you showed me how to love myself. You made me believe that I was worth my weight in gold and that settling is not an option.
I think that the best thing we could have done was left it at “no regrets” and turned around and walked away with nothing but the good memories. Instead, I’ve done my usual hanging on because I was confused about what it was that we had. I was confused about how I felt. I was confused about how I loved you, and I’ve gone and tainted what could have been preserved flawlessly on the pages of my memory as a beautiful experience. Hopefully, someday, we’ll be able to talk about things. Maybe we’ll even be able to look back on the experience as a whole and say that in the end, it all ended the way it should have and we are both better because of it, but until that day comes, I think I can finally say goodbye……